The world cup’s starting and my mood’s sinking. Here’s why:
1. The songs – there really is no excuse for the waves of aural effluent that wash out of my radio every morning. Tony Christie and the Crazy Frog are bad enough, but Embrace just adds insult to injury. David Baddiel couldn’t even be bothered to change the lyrics of ‘three lions’ to “40 years of hurt”. That’s just lazy.
As for the Hamiltons… words fail me. What does it even mean to be ‘jolly dee’?
2. The merchandise – why would anyone buy all this crap? England sunglasses… special England wigs… about four flags on every car I see going past. And nodding dogs. Also with a flag on them. Somewhere, someone is making a lot of money from all this cheap plastic tat.
3. Its effect on my social life – a whole month of only being able to go out with my friends if we go somewhere with a big screen TV and about 50 drunk Scunthorpe fans with England flags wrapped round their shoulders. Marvellous.
Can’t you fools see that it’s just a huge money making scam probably dreamt up by the Bilderberg group or some other global conspiracy? I’m going to lie down in a cool, dark room until it’s all over.